Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Aspects of Everyday Conversation That I Simply Don't Understand

On a recent post, regular reader, “CM” asked me in comments if there was anything in particular that I really didn’t understand about US culture. Well, the short answer is that there are many things about everyday conversations and about people in general that I just plain don't get.

 There are many things about US culture, and the way people act that I don't understand in any way, shape, or form. I could write a very long list if I could think about it for a few hours, but for starters, here's a few I really don't understand. This list is more about people's actions and what they say and do in everyday, light-hearted conversations, passing comments, or maybe chatter among co-workers, church members, etc.

Telling people "good morning".

I really don't understand this one. Most people don't like mornings, period, and mornings are not a good time of day for most people. Especially someone like me, who has to wake up at 3 am, three times a week, all while having pain/stiffness and fatigue most mornings (the Cymablata helps, but it hasn't gotten rid of it completely, I still deal with it some days, especially when waking up at or before 7 am).

If you do happen to be one of those rare morning people, please keep in mind that most of the population isn't, and be aware of the circumstances in which you are saying this, ie, if it's extremely early in the morning, etc.

Case in point: My dad, because of his various health conditions, every several years will end up several days in a local hospital at a time. Normally, he is his normal, hyper, obsessive self, but once he enters a hospital, that all changes. He can become the human version of Grumpy Cat.

A nurse once walked into his hospital room, and put on what was obviously a fake smile (it was so obvious that even I could tell), and said "Hello sir, good morning!". My dad responded with "It may be morning, but it sure as hell ain't good". My mom was shocked and scolded him, telling him that it isn't her fault that he's in the hospital, she's just trying to do her job, as difficult as that may be.

My dad said that he's in the hospital, how can she expect this to be a good morning for him? I both agreed with him, and felt sorry for the nurse at the same time, since she probably has to deal with people like him all the time.

Asking people "How are you doing?" when meeting them.

If your best friend is asking you this sincerely during a highly emotional time, say, during a funeral, or when you're going through a breakup or divorce, sure, I can more than understand the point of this question, but to ask it to people at random when meeting them?

It especially makes no sense if you don't even hardly know the person, and/or you are asking the question not out of sincerity, just as a matter of formality.


 I've fallen into the trap of asking this question before, almost unconsciously, because I have heard it so often, but in recent years, I have been deliberately stopping myself from doing this, since I find it so pointless.

I mean, seriously, why ask it if it's an insincere question in most circumstances, you either have no interest, or no time in hearing the honest answer to that question, and you know that the other person doesn't have the kind of trust/relationship with you that they would feel comfortable answering honestly?

For example, have you ever been in a circumstance where you have asked this question insincerely, and had the other person take you seriously? You get a long explanation of all that person's problems, things you don't feel comfortable hearing about that other person, they are carrying on for quite some time, all the while, you don't want to offend them by breaking off the conversation, but you desperately want to leave. Come on, admit it, I'm not the only one who has been there before, right?

What kind of greeting is the question "How are you doing?"? Shouldn't it be replaced by something else? I usually, just nod my head and say, "Hi", instead, or when I'm dealing with truckers at work, I usually ask them "What do we have today?" (Pre-load, live load, inbound to be dropped off, etc).

People standing in circles or blocking doorways/blocking the paths to doorways when speaking in a group. 

 This really irritates me, call me irrational, but I like to be able to leave a room quickly and without having to wade my way through a crowd to get to the exits. Either habit leaves me unable to do so, and it makes me feel trapped, I can’t stand it. Some longtime readers might wonder if it’s due to this incident in my past. I will admit that it has been worse in the years since then, but I have always had that kind of revulsion towards not being able to get out of a room quickly.

Talking about the weather.

I find this just as pointless, if not more so, than the “how are you doing?” question. “So it’s really hot today, isn’t it?” Well, I could tell that just by the fact that I stepped outside today……. If someone hasn’t had the time to check the weather due to the fact that they have been too busy, then I can understand a question like “Do you know if it’s going to rain tomorrow? I was planning on having a barbeque.”

If you are trying to use the weather as a conversation starter, well, it’s not a very good one, I’ll tell you that.

People feeling the need to touch you when they talk to you.

This really frustrates me more than anything else on this list. I even had an entire blog post about it, Personal Space Invaders, a few months ago. It happens more often in religious congregations and gatherings, but some people are really bad about this in the outside world as well. I don’t really want to have to explain to everyone just how it feels both threatening and suffocating at the same time, because some people probably still won’t understand it, even after I explain it to them. I can’t even stand relatives touching me, the only time I don’t mind people touching me is when I’m with a close female friend or a woman that I am in a relationship with, then I actually enjoy it.

People calling you “buddy” or similar terms when they don’t even know you.

This is a habit I have encountered at work with some truckers, especially older men from the southern US, or some of the immigrant drivers we get from Eastern Europe (most are from Croatia, or St. Louis’ Bosnian immigrant community, though a  few are from Romania and various nations in the region). If you don’t know someone at all, why refer to them in such terms?


Are there habits that are common to people in your society or just people in general that you don’t understand? 

20 comments:

  1. Oh God, this resonates with me! I've never understood why we're expected to take part in meaningless social rituals. I've learned that if I don't engage in these things, people will find me offputting, so I do them -- but I just don't understand what purpose they serve.

    There are so many other social rituals I don't get, such as cattiness, "affectionate" swipes at people, stereotypical gender behavior, etc. These I avoid, and I can't make heads or tails of people who engage in them.

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    1. Cattiness/backstabbing is something I don't understand, and won't take part in.

      People who do that in the corporate world, politics, etc to get ahead probably aren't much better to the people closest to them in the personal life, and suffer the consequences there (broken marriages, etc). Even if they do accomplish back stabbing their way to the top in the professional world or say, in the leadership of an organization, it will backfire on them eventually, since all the people they fought on their way to the top will want their revenge, and find a way to bring them down.

      Gender norms, and expecting people to stick to them instead of being individuals, I understood that to a point when I was a fundie, but now, I don't think it is right to force someone to stick to a certain set of behaviors just because they were born a certain gender. My views on gender especially changed as I started to abandon homophobia.

      I feel much the same way that you do, I do some things because they are perceived as necessary by society, but they serve no real purpose or function.

      Usually when I encounter other people that can't understand why their home culture works the way it does there's usually a component of either an upbringing in a cult/religious extremist group or an abusive family that wanted that person to stay away from the outside world as a child, or their mind works differently than other people due to autism/sever mental illness (severe depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc)

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  2. Great post! I'm going to print this and stick it up....good for a chuckle on days when I'm grumpy!.

    CM

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    1. Glad someone is getting some enjoyment out of it....

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  3. I'm with you on all of these. Blocking exits or hallways and touching bug me the most. The former suggests self-centeredness and an obliviousness to one's surroundings; the later, like you said is a violation of personal space. Like you, I can handle the touching when it is someone I know well (or want to know). The rest of the time, not so much.

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    1. It's not just people I know, I have known some people for many years, and I still can't stand it, my family for example, I don't like it.

      It seems like I can only find it tolerable at worst, or enjoyable at best if it's a woman I know well, and I'm attracted to her, any other context, and I can't stand it.

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  4. I think you have social issues/disorders. You should see a psychologist.

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    1. That's kind of an understatement. :D

      I have been wondering recently if I am autistic, and it seems more likely everyday. I will be trying to set up an appointment in the coming months, because I desperately want to know.

      Thanks for stopping by, it's not a meaningless platitude (like the "How are you doing" question, lol), but I do like having new readers come around.

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  5. I've wondered about "Hello"---people pick up the phone and the first thing they say is hello---its almost universal---anywhere in the world a phone is picked up and its hello---but why?

    This is more of an Eastern custom---but there are times when meeting a person socially, it is polite to inquire about their family, sometimes their extended family and on occassion even their distant relatives!!!...before one can get to the point!!! To an impatient person like me, it is one custom that I hope fades away........

    CM

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    1. I agree, I think the use of hello when on the phone is kind of an old habit from the early days of communications, when you were trying to figure out if the call indeed went through. It's kind of similar to truckers at my job asking "do you have a copy?". They are trying to figure out if you can hear them, and if you are ready to talk (perhaps you may be dealing with other truckers in person, or with paperwork for loads at the moment).

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  6. Anonymous got close to it with "polite." These niceties are universal. They're simply a way for people to communicate that they see you, that they are respecting you by giving you their attention right now, and, usually, that they wish to see you happy. India has a nice one: Namaste which means "I see the light in you." The Navajo tribe says Yatahey, or "Walk in beauty."

    It's not an open invitation to regurgitate your recent life history, nor a demand that you entertain them with your smile. It just means "I appreciate you." The ones who get pissed if you don't respond the way they want, those are the ones to avoid.

    If you really want to have some fun, come up with your own acknowledging phrase and see how people react. A college mate used to answer the phone with "Speak to me!" in a loud voice. I've been having fun saying "'Ssssup?" to everyone because it's so ironic to see an uber-Caucasian woman mangle Ebonics in jest. I like "What's good?" as an opening line. It invites either a happy story or a devilishly clever one-liner in reply.

    "What's good?"
    "My dog today, ironically."

    "What's good?"
    "The brownies. They have dark chocolate chunks inside like little hits of guilt."

    "What's good?"
    "Don't know. I've been naughty since '73."

    "What's good?"
    "Free penicillin."

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    1. Yeah, most people would consider me uber-Caucasian, much of the Christian fundamentalist world is very solid white. I wish I could have been exposed more to not only people from other countries, but of various ethnicities/sub cultures.

      It took me the longest time to be able to understand the accents and slang of the African-American men I worked around on a regular basis.

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  7. I think most of the social behaviors listed above as "monkey grooming". Chimps groom each other for group cohesion, building up bonds (useful in an evolutionary sense), and of course, for health reasons. The reasons why people do ridiculous behavior (Good Morning! Buddy!) are pretty much the same. One of the reasons why I am social is that there is a clear relationship between mental/physical health with a healthy personal network of friends/associates.

    I'm not a socially touchy person in general. (Respect the personal space bubble!) But I do make allowances for the Wife, my kids, and a few friends who just can't frakin' help themselves.

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  8. For the usual "Hello, how are you?", these days I see that as a SYN/ACK handshake. I.e., more than anything it is there to make sure that I know you are there and you know that I know.

    Since I have problems reading peoples intent in real-time, I try to shape the interactions preemptively to make it easier for everybody. So when I come in to the office I will stick my head into cubicles and say "mumble foo", co-workers know that this is my way of saying "Hello. I am here. If you have questions and interactions for me, please proceed." and that it is not really a request to expound on weather or general discussions of personal state (i.e., "How are you?")

    After the initial confusion the first time I do it, it works pretty well.

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    1. That is an odd phrase, but I suppose it works after a while. :)

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    2. It started as just "foo" (first metasyntactical variable) more or less as a joke between some friends of mine. http://goo.gl/wnq8ot

      However, it was a bit short, and since "mumble" was already in use as the generic answer ("How was lunch?", "mumble") http://goo.gl/Bj2tJv I ended up using "mumble foo" as a generic "What's Up" when I didn't want to know what was up.

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    3. Ah, software architect, I had to check your Google + profile. That explains it, lol

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